The Final Picture

Breakfast: Kick bootie Apple/Fig Cereal from Kellogs that I got in Switzerland
Snack: Same as Breakfast
Lunch: Barley Soup and a Grilled CHeese Sandwich
Snack: Handful of almonds x2
DInner: 4 beef taquitos with guac and cheese

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So my diet ain't so hotnowadays, but I'm still working out!

Saturday I did the moonlight beach workout with Tricia, Nicole, Nicole, and Patrick... so there! And I've been doing Bas on my own and just bought a cool new workout video guaranteed to give me results in 10 days or my money back...let's see if it can svelt my middle to my desired sveltness...

OK! On to the photoshoot yesterday.

When I got there, it was only the photographer, Jeff. I took the shoot in my 'bad' outfit and was disappointed that my belly still looks yucky in it frontal... with out my 'bad' pants, my stomach looks pretty decent. Anyhow, the side view is pretty good. I know this because Jeff said, "You lost a lot of weight!" He showed me my before photo, and I am stunned at how horrible I used to look. I knew it was bad, but now that I am 'back to normal', I can really see what McDonald's and dessert every night can do to a woman! Holy cow! Pun intended...

Geez! My belly was like one big circle. Heart attack and diabetes? see Arlene's old belly.

No one was there to weigh or measure us... I kind of felt abandoned... or just kind of forgotten. It was nice though that Rachel and Sherri were there. Gosh those women look gorgeous! I was able to peruse the computer to see mostly everyone's after shots and I the photos made me so happy because all of my friends looked happy and had such beautiful smiles. Their body and posture just exude it! The energy that day must have been infectioius! I am sad that I missed it.

I guess I am a little bummed that I was made to feel like I hadn't disclosed that I was going to Switzerland the first week of December. I know I did and I know that Karen said it would be okay because the program was 12 weeks. By having the program end the first week of Decemeber, the program became 13.

Anyhow... I'm also bummed that they never announced who made the cut for the next group. I had to guess who I thought made it and then ask who else made it.

It's kind of like, I came into this program with the intent to bond and become a cohesive group, and I did all that I could to make connections with people and then bridge people together... and in the end... I missed out on the climax... like I never summitted...

It's threefold this feeling... one, I didn't get to finish with everyone or attend the party with everyone and all I ever tried to do was get people together outside of class. The time I tried to put it together, two people came. It was nice and intimate, but I never got to experience the whole team in that way. Two, I just don't think my pictures or final weigh in will show 'true results' because of my trip and the difference in time between photo and weigh-in/measurement time. Three, I wonder why I wasn't asked to continue... was it because I left for vacation? Didn't seem to put out enough effort? Didn't want to sign up for a gym 40 minutes away from my home and pay $50 a month for an unknown amount of time? Was it because my results weren't compelling enough? Was I too social? Did I grunt too much in class? haha Who knows?

Anyway, I came in with the best attitude I could muster during the time I was sad, lonely, fat and directionless and feel like I leave stronger in body and mind, but actually with less of the Hero in me than when I started... I'm not as positive nor hopeful. I am almost disedified and disillusioned for reasons not only mentioned here, but others that will just stay in the silence of my heart and with a few close confidants.

I will go on and I will take with me what I learned and I will continue to love people and share and hope then same thing I have hoped since I was a young girl... that no one will be lesser in their life for having known me.

I am still grateful for this experience. There are some things I might have changed... like starting the double workouts sooner and maybe being a little more reserved but other than that. This exeperience is a part of my life and the people from it now are too. They will alwyas be. It's another building block of the person I will be.

Here is a poem that I remember reading on my mother's wall when I was first learning to read cursive. I still remember it... it is by Karen Ravn:

Tomorrow is a Dream that Leads Me Onward...

Tomorrow is a path that I've yet to choose,
It's chance I've yet to take,
A friend I've yet to make,
It's all the talents I have to use~

Tomorrow is a dream that leads me onward...
Always just a step ahead of me,
It's a joy I've yet to know,
A love I've yet to show,
For its the reason I have yet to be~

My mother is my hero. All the good and kind in me, she has put there. The hope, the positivity, the caring, the generosity, the tenderness and empathy... I definitely don't have it as much as she has, but it's even there in the slightest bit becuase of her. I grew up reading self-help, power of positive thinking-type books. They were in the house becuase she was always reading and improving herself. I was in 7th grade reading The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino. I think I took a lot of that and tried to live it early on. Somewhere along the way, the idealism got squooshed by the world and some of the yuckiness in it. But, Rudy's love and positivity and idealism, reminded me of who I am and gave me renewed hope. I learned though that nothing is black and white and that maybe Hero Living is really just the power to carry on. "Nothing Gold can Stay". There will be the highs and the lows, but don't let anything stop you. Good or bad...just carry on. Speak your truth even if no one listens or believes you or sees you. Carry on.

One of my favorite Rudyisms was this, "You can do it. You are doing it."

Now I go into the world... and I carry it all with me... all my past, in my present, into my future.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I will do what I can to bring it.