The Inside

So, I have spoken a lot about the exterior changes, now how about the interior?

You know, I used to be super open and friendly, greeting people, looking them in the eye...but in the course of the last two years, I had put horse-blinders on. I wasn't free to look around, smile and engage with people, I didn't write in my journal or emails anymore. I think that it had been suppressed for so long and now that I feel free to be myself again.

This program is sush a big part of my life. It has become the center focus. I mean, I have to think about it every time I eat, which should be at least 5 times day. I have to plan my grocery shopping, meals, prepare my gym bag, plan my drive time, my sleep schedule, my social schedule all with this program taken into consideration.

Basically, I participating 'religiously'. 4-5 times a week for an hour (how often do I go to Mass during the week?) Every meal, I used to pray before I eat but now first I have to assess the food and if it is nourishing and alive me or dead and taking from me.

During the day, I think about Rudy's words and teaching, I make choices based on them sometimes. Like today, I took the shuttle to one of our other building where I volunteered to man a booth at the Environmental Expo. I could have taken the shuttle back, but as I waited for it, I decided... why don't I just walk it? I even remembered to 'move my arms' because that's the way Rudy reminds us to 'use our bodies' during our cool down laps...

So, an odd thought hit me in the shower (I do some good thinking in the shower, have been that way since high school), I thought... I need to really watch myself and balance things a little more. Is Rudy and his program starting to hold more priority and encompass more of my thoughts, influence my decisions and take more time in my life than what I devote to God and my Catholic faith? Oooo... it kind of was a close one almost 50/50. Really. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I don't think it was too far gone cause I caught it.

The First Commandment says, "Though shalt not have any other gods before me." Now a god can be anything you worship or put before God Himself (like money, drugs, food, a significant other, anything...). I wondered if I might be putting all this program before God, even if ever so slightly. I still pray my morning, meals, and evening prayers. I still am doing my novenas and daily rosary, but... I still needed to put myself in check. So... I just did a quick prayer and asked God then and there to help me put everything in the right context. I thanked him for Rudy and his program and being blessed to participate in it.

The next workout I had, Monday night, on top of being motivated by Rudy and the group, I said to myself, "This is for you, God. You gave me this body and I am going to take care of it." It was a cool feeling. I basically will just continue to give Rudy and the program my all, yet remember that all the good in it is because of God. So my appreciation and praise goes to God first and I can glorify Him by appreciating the program and continueing to use my will to do it well and appreciate it well. I feel now, everything is being appreciated in the right order and the right context. In this way, God stays central and first. My motives stay good and I am better guarded against vices such as pride, vanity, selfishness, despair, etc..

Another thing that is happening is that my family and friends are being just so supportive of me. They believe in me and want me to succeed, so I feel that is also why I am staying up and with a good attitude. Even though I am not seeing them as often, I feel a little more connected with friends and family now, than I have in the recent past. It's like I see them less, but it's more quality time. I feel more present when I see them.